Sabbath Day Thoughts — “A House Divided” 2 Sam. 18:5-9, 15, 31-33
Jill hasn’t seen her Mom in a decade. Both of Jill’s parents have struggled with alcoholism. Addiction cast a long, painful shadow over her childhood. When Jill started her own family, she hoped that things might change. She scheduled times for her mother to visit with the kids, but there were so many no-shows or last-minute cancellations. The last straw came when Jill’s Mom offered to watch the kids for the evening so that Jill and her husband could see a concert. When they arrived home near midnight, they found Mom passed out on the couch. The kids had never gotten dinner, and the baby was crying in a dirty diaper.
Carl is estranged from his father. Dad left the family when Carl was only eight years old. There were years of shared custody with Carl bouncing back and forth between his parents. But Carl’s father has a new family with a younger wife and small children. Carl’s dad was always too busy to come to Carl’s baseball games and didn’t show up for graduation. When Carl sees his father doting on those younger children, it hurts Carl’s heart. He doesn’t understand why his Dad doesn’t love him or make time for him.
Jenny and her brother Sam stopped speaking after their parents died. Sam always felt that Jenny was their favorite. They always sang Jenny’s praises, she was included in special vacations, and she received generous gifts, including a down payment for her home. When it was time to settle their parent’s estate, Sam learned that there was nothing left. Jenny had power of attorney and had spent his inheritance on a pricey renovation of her own home.
If we come from a family with painful, broken relationships, we are not alone. Seventy to eighty percent of Americans consider their families to be dysfunctional. Issues of violence, abuse, neglect, and addiction create a toxic, traumatic environment for children. Unhealthy boundaries, the inability to give love, and poor communication also lead to breakdowns in families and leave a lasting legacy of guilt and shame. One in four people experience estrangement from a family member. One in ten people say that they have a cut off, a total disconnection, in a relationship with a parent or a child. Our homes have been divided in painful ways, and we can feel powerless to change.
Our reading from Second Samuel is a final sad chapter in a lengthy tale of dysfunction in the family of King David. Last week, we learned that David’s misconduct was to have lasting consequences for his house. This week, it proves to be true. It started with David’s treatment of the women in his life. In his bid to forge alliances and secure his dynasty, David acquired eight wives and at least eleven concubines. In a patriarchal world, where women had no standing apart from their menfolk, we can imagine the bitter rivalry and hurt feelings in David’s house as younger, more nubile women were constantly added to David’s harem. Those bitter feelings passed to children, who longed for the love of an absent and unavailable father.
The trouble with David’s second son Absalom was nine years in the making. When older half-brother and heir-apparent Amnon raped Absalom’s sister Tamar, Absalom hoped that his father David would remedy the injustice. But David didn’t. Amnon was his favorite son, so the king was unwilling to enforce any discipline. After two years of waiting for his father to act, Absalom took justice into his own hands. He struck down Amnon and fled to the neighboring Kingdom of Geshur. David ignored him. After three years, David’s general Joab engineered a reconciliation between father and son. Absalom moved home, but his father continued to ignore him. After four more years of this, Absalom left Jerusalem for Hebron. There he launched a conspiracy to usurp his father.
It almost worked. David with his loyalists fled Jerusalem just ahead of Absalom’s advancing forces. The rebellious son moved into the royal palace and raped his father’s concubines. The victory was short-lived. Absalom’s upstart army was no match for David’s seasoned warriors. In the bloodbath that unfolded in the forest of Ephraim, Absalom’s escape was foiled when his abundant tresses caught in the downward reaching branches of an oak tree. It didn’t take long for Joab and his armor bearers to dispatch the rebel, repeatedly running him through with their spears.
The sad, sad tale ends with the sound of a father’s remorse. David cries, “My son, Absalom! My son, my son, Absalom! If only I had died instead of you!” We can well imagine the self-recrimination behind David’s lamentation. If only he had punished Amnon when he violated Tamar. If only he had protected and comforted his daughter. If only he had been truly reconciled with Absalom. If only he had not allowed Absalom to languish in the vacuum left by too little love, too little kindness, too little attention.
Our family dysfunction seems pretty tame when compared to David’s household. In fact, this is such an unpleasant chapter in David’s story that we might like to skip right over it, but that wouldn’t provide us with the real picture of David, who may have had a heart for God but also made a mess of his own family. In tackling this terrible tale head-on, we are granted the opportunity to ponder our own families. I’d like to suggest a few lessons that we can glean from today’s reading—with hope that they might be helpful as we seek wholeness in the midst of dysfunction
A first lesson is that we all need helpful people and caring places where we can find support and healing. Poor Absalom, raised in a household that pitted wife against wife and child against child! Poor Absalom, waiting for justice for his sexually abused sister! Poor Absalom, longing year after year for the love of his father. Absalom needed caring people with whom he could work through his trauma. Absalom needed a safe and caring place where he could find the love that his father would never provide. Sometimes we need mentors or counselors, pastors or churches, that can help us to heal. We who have known our own broken families, we who have done our own healing work, we can offer the caring presence and unconditional love that help to mend hurting hearts.
We may also find healing when we decide to make different choices for our lives and families. Absalom repeated his father’s sins. He had Amnon killed, much as David had Uriah killed. Absalom raped his father’s concubines, just as David raped Bathsheba. The apple didn’t fall far from that tree. Yet we can choose to not repeat the sins of others. We have the power to remember, reflect, and opt to behave in very different ways. Those of us, who never knew a parent’s approval, can make sure our kids know that they are loved unconditionally. Those who grew up in households with poor communication and deep, dark secrets can opt to live in the light and speak the truth. We who are plagued by shame and guilt can grab ahold of God’s mercy and trust that the grace of our Lord Jesus is always sufficient for us.
We can also rethink family. In some cases where there is intractable abuse or unresolved addiction, in some cases where there is untimely death or even suicide, we don’t find a satisfactory resolution for the pain and brokenness of our families. Yet it may still be possible to find some measure of peace and healing through the families that we make. When Jesus’s family thought he was crazy and wanted to end his ministry by taking him back home to Nazareth, Jesus found in his friends and disciples the kinship and love that he needed. Jesus pointed to his companions and said, “Here are my mother, and brothers, and sisters.” May we find and be for one another the families of necessity that help us to heal, grow, and endure.
Finally, we can remember that we are not alone in the struggle. God is with us. God knows how it feels to be despised and rejected. God knows how it feels when addiction or greed or violence becomes the self-destructive idol of our beloved one. God knows what it is like to lose a grown son. God weeps with David over the loss of Absalom. God weeps with Jill over the chronic problem of her Mom’s alcoholism. God weeps with Carl over his absentee Dad. God weeps with Sam over the betrayal of his sister Jenny. God weeps with us in the chaos of trauma and dysfunction. We can trust that we have a holy helper. Thanks be to God.
Seventy to eighty percent of Americans may consider their families to be dysfunctional, but there is hope for us yet. May we find the helping people and places that we need. May we make some different choices for our lives. May we forge from those around us the family of our necessity. May we trust that God holds the hope and healing for a better tomorrow for our families.
Resources
Ted A. Smith. “Commentary on 2 Sam18:5-9, 15, 31-33” in Preaching This Week, August 9, 2009. Accessed online at Commentary on 2 Samuel 18:5-9, 15, 31-33 – Working Preacher from Luther Seminary
Robert Hoch. “Commentary on 2 Sam18:5-9, 15, 31-33” in Preaching This Week, August 12, 2012. Accessed online at Commentary on 2 Samuel 18:5-9, 15, 31-33 – Working Preacher from Luther Seminary
Ralph W. Klein. “Commentary on 2 Sam18:5-9, 15, 31-33” in Preaching This Week, August 9, 2015. Accessed online at Commentary on 2 Samuel 18:5-9, 15, 31-33 – Working Preacher from Luther Seminary
Timothy Adkins-Jones. “Commentary on 2 Sam18:5-9, 15, 31-33” in Preaching This Week, August 8, 2021. Accessed online at Commentary on 2 Samuel 18:5-9, 15, 31-33 – Working Preacher from Luther Seminary
Soulaima Gourani. “What Does Having A ‘Real’ Family Mean?” in Forbes Magazine, Nov. 24, 2019. Accessed online at What Does Having A “Real” Family Mean? (forbes.com)
Kui Mwai. “Why So Many People (Myself Included) Are Experiencing Family Estrangement” in Vogue: Culture, May 2, 2024. Accessed online at Why So Many People (Myself Included) Are Experiencing Family Estrangement | Vogue
Joann White 