Reconciliation

Truth and Reconciliation

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Sabbath Day Thoughts — “Truth and Reconciliation” Matthew 18:15-20

Marty hasn’t spoken to his brothers in decades. It all started Thanksgiving of 1980.  The whole family gathered at Marty’s home for dinner. Marty’s wife Lois cooked the most beautiful meal. She made cranberry relish, giblet gravy, and the turkey, roasted to perfection. It’s too bad no one stayed for dinner. 

The trouble started not long after everyone had a few cocktails and the conversation turned to the recent presidential election. Marty the Reagan Republican was delighted that his candidate won. Reagan was sure to get the nation back on the right track, cut off those welfare queens, and teach those Democrats a lesson. 

Marty’s brother Tim cast his ballot for Jimmy Carter. Tim saw Carter as a man of rare principle and goodness. Carter needed another term in office to end partisan politics and turn the economy around.

Marty’s other brother Frank was always a free spirit, so no one was surprised that he voted for the Independent John Anderson. Frank admired Anderson’s suggestion of a fifty cents-a-gallon gas tax to curb consumption and save energy. In fact, Frank was thinking of trading his old Datsun for a bicycle and simply peddling everywhere.

Round and round the conversation went, each brother extolling the virtues of his candidate and deriding the flaws of the opponents. The last straw came when the free-spirited Frank referred to the Great Communicator as Ronnie Raygun and mimed the President-elect shooting everyone who disagreed with his politics.

“Get out!”  Marty yelled, his face red, a vein on his forehead pulsing. Marty marched into the hall, grabbed all the coats from the closet, opened the front door, and threw them out on the lawn. “All of you! Get out now!” 

They did. Speechless, the brothers with their wives and kids piled into their cars and left.  They stopped at a truck stop on the throughway for a disappointing Thanksgiving dinner, while Marty and Lois had leftovers that lasted weeks. Turkey soup, turkey hash, turkey fritters, turkey omelets, turkey casserole. The aging brothers are still alienated.

Jesus knew that relationships could be fraught with this pattern of sin, distance, and disconnection. The lessons of Matthew 18 are devoted to how we are to respond to brokenness and separation. In fact, right before the words of today’s gospel reading, Jesus told his friends the Parable of the Lost Sheep to emphasize the importance of reconciliation. In the parable, the good shepherd placed himself and the ninety-nine other members of his flock at risk to go off in search of the one sheep who was lost in the wilderness. For Jesus, our good shepherd, families and communities cannot be whole until broken relationships are healed and the lost are restored.

That prepares us to hear today’s lesson. Do you remember what Jesus said?  Where there is alienation, we should first address the issue one on one, speaking the truth in love. If we fail, we invite one or two others to join us in our efforts to bridge the divide. If that fails, we seek the aid of the community of faith. If that proves to be unfruitful, we are to treat the lost lamb as a Gentile or a tax collector, which sounds about as low as you can go until we remember that Jesus ate with tax collectors and welcomed Gentiles. Jesus spent much of his ministry focused on these outsiders, so the Lord is telling us to always seek reconciliation. 

Jesus might caution us to be careful about how we put his reconciling process into practice. Jesus, who taught us that our ultimate responsibility is always to love God and love one another, would remind us that our efforts to reconcile must be prompted by love and not by the desire to bring shame, inflict guilt, or prove someone wrong. Only love can help us take responsibility for our feelings and actions and invite others to do the same. Only love can allow us to be vulnerable and direct.  We all know the pain of separation and alienation; yet, Jesus believes that we can make different choices that will bring healing to all that brokenness.

The story I told of Marty’s fateful Thanksgiving of 1980 may sound extreme, but we have all experienced separation and alienation. Perhaps your Marty is the daughter who moved out of state and phones home infrequently since you told her what you really think about her boyfriend. Perhaps your Marty is that valued colleague who stopped speaking to you after you got a promotion and he didn’t. Perhaps your Marty is the parent who refuses to see you since you expressed concern about their drinking. We all know the pain and puzzle of brokenness. We all know how it feels to stand on the far side of an unbridgeable rift, separated from folks whom we have loved and respected. Jesus’ remedy for our broken relationships sounds so simple. Why is it that we have such a hard time putting it into practice?

Dr. Murray Bowen of Georgetown University, one of the leading family therapists of the twentieth century, developed Family Systems Theory to describe the pattern of distance and disconnection that he noticed in the families he counseled.  Bowen believed that families manage tension and anxiety through triangles and distance. I’ll give examples. 

Marty’s brothers Frank and Tim never took that first step that Jesus taught us to take—never returned and confronted Marty about his outrageous behavior, never spoke the truth in love. Instead, they dealt with their anxiety by forming a triangle. They talked with one another instead of talking to Marty. It started at the truck stop, where they ate that disappointing Thanksgiving dinner after Marty tossed them out. Frank turned to Tim and said, “Reagan, Ray gun, r-a-y-g-u-n. It’s funny. Isn’t it?” Tim nodded, “Geeze, you’d think Marty would lighten up. Can you believe that guy?” Frank and Tim felt a lot better, but the triangle they created did nothing to heal the rift with Marty because they didn’t confront him. 

Now an example for distance: If Frank and Tim were masters of the triangle, Marty was the master of distance. Rather than work through his anger with his brothers, Marty opted out of being in relationship altogether. Every year when the Christmas cards come from Tim and Frank, Marty tosses them in the trash. Cut-off. That’s the ultimate expression of distance. That’s the painful reality that Jesus hoped we could avoid.

Professor Bowen, like Jesus, believed that for broken families to find healing, they needed to stop forming triangles or choosing to disconnect. Instead, they needed to learn ways to stay in relationship and communicate directly with one another in times of conflict. Families that failed to develop practices for direct, healthy communication tended to repeat the same patterns of brokenness from generation to generation.

One last example. It shouldn’t surprise us to learn that the father of Marty, Tim, and Frank had been alienated from his siblings, too, over an inheritance dispute. In fact, Marty, Frank, and Tim never met their aunts and uncle. Never knew their cousins. Within families, all that brokenness passes from one generation to another until someone has the awareness and the courage to make some different choices about how they will be in relationship. Lord, have mercy!

Now, here is the good news that Jesus was trying to communicate to his followers. One faithful person who chooses to follow the advice of Jesus, who bravely faces alienation head-on and reaches out in love, can change an entire family. One person with the courage to be honest about sin, pain, grief, and hurt can be the architect of a changed future. One person can restore wholeness to the flock.

We all know how it feels to stand on the far side of the unbridgeable rift, separated from folks whom we have loved and respected. Jesus taught that it doesn’t have to be like that. I’d like to invite us all to think of a personal relationship that is fraught and in need of reconciliation. Who is your Marty?

This week, we could commit to making one loving effort to restore what has long been broken, to find the lost and heal the hurt. We could mail a card or send an e-mail. We could pick up the phone or show up in person with words of truth, vulnerability, and love. If the hurt is very raw and deeply painful, we may only be able to pray about the healing that is needed, or we could seek a coach to help us. Although we may feel powerless to reconcile, we can remember that Jesus is not, and we can assure ourselves that wherever two or more are gathered in his name, he is there. He is with us. We can remember that Jesus would stop at nothing—not even his suffering and death on the cross—to reconcile us to his Father in heaven and to one another. Let’s take just a moment to quietly commit ourselves to finding the lost and healing the hurt. May God grant us the courage and the awareness to make different choices in our relationships…

Perhaps there could even be hope for Marty’s family. After all these years, Tim could call Marty to say that Reagan hadn’t proven to be such a bad President after all. Or, Frank could peddle his bike over to Marty’s door and say, “Brother, I may not appreciate your politics, but I love you and I miss you.” Perhaps Marty could begin to pray for the Lord to help him move past the anger, shame, and embarrassment that have kept him from his brothers for all these years. Who knows? Maybe this Thanksgiving Marty, Frank and Tim will sit down at the table together. Jesus would like that.

Resources:

Roberta M. Gilbert. The Eight Concepts of Bowen Theory. Falls Church: Leading Systems Press, 2004.

Ronald W. Richardson. Creating a Healthier Church. Minneapolis: Augsburg Fortress Press, 1996.

Richard W. Ward. “Commentary on Matthew 18:15-20” in Preaching This Week, Sept. 10, 2023. Accessed online at https://www.workingpreacher.org/commentaries/revised-common-lectionary/ordinary-23/commentary-on-matthew-1815-20-6

Audrey West. “Commentary on Matthew 18:15-20” in Preaching This Week, Sept. 6, 2020. Accessed online at https://www.workingpreacher.org/commentaries/revised-common-lectionary/ordinary-23/commentary-on-matthew-1815-20

Matthew 18:15-20

15 “If your brother or sister sins against you, go and point out the fault when the two of you are alone. If you are listened to, you have regained that one. 16 But if you are not listened to, take one or two others along with you, so that every word may be confirmed by the evidence of two or three witnesses. 17 If that person refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church, and if the offender refuses to listen even to the church, let such a one be to you as a gentile and a tax collector. 18 Truly I tell you, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven. 19 Again, truly I tell you, if two of you agree on earth about anything you ask, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven. 20 For where two or three are gathered in my name, I am there among them.”

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Beyond the Letter of the Law

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Sabbath Day Thoughts — “Beyond the Letter of the Law” Matt. 5:21-26

It can prompt the silent treatment or explode into domestic violence. It can extinguish passion, put an end to love, stifle dreams, break our hearts, and end a marriage.

It can divide our families, pit brother against brother, disconnect parent from child, unfold into long years of puzzling, hurtful, and bleak estrangement.

It can turn us against our neighbor, inspire us to trade insults and trash talk, ignite a feud, make us feel unsafe in our homes, and create animosity on the block.

It can make us hate our jobs, kindle disrespect for the boss or colleague, cause us to procrastinate or miss deadlines, lash out in water cooler gossip, and even get us fired.

It can divide our churches into factions, convince us that we are holier or more righteous than others. It can splinter us into schisms that vote with their feet and head for the door.

It can ruin your health, pump cortisol and adrenaline into your system, spike your blood pressure, flood your stomach with acid, attack your heart, consume your mind with obsessive thoughts, or turn inward to self-harm and abuse—cutting, disordered eating, even suicide.

I’m talking about anger.

In our reading from Matthew’s gospel, Jesus continues his Sermon on the Mount with a series of antitheses, teachings which radicalize the commandments of the Torah and reveal God’s intent for our lives in community.  Jesus begins with anger.  He takes the commandment, “You shall not kill,” which prohibits the taking of human life (Exodus 20:13; Deut. 5:17), and he goes deeper, exploring the power of our anger, not only to take life but to divide families, undermine relationships, and mar our communities. From everyday insults to slander to frivolous lawsuits that pursue a selfish agenda, Jesus saw anger at work in destructive ways that wounded spirits and brought death to relationships.

Jesus used the exaggerated rhetoric of hyperbole to impress upon his friends that they could not be in right relationship with God if they were not in right relationship with one another. Jesus described a worshiper bringing an offering to God.  In the first century, offerings were presented in the Temple.  The offering was the culmination of a multi-day pilgrimage from Galilee to Jerusalem.  Then, a ritual of purification was undertaken, the Temple was entered, and a sacrifice was purchased from the vendors. But just as the priest prepared to kill the animal or burn the grain, Jesus’s worshipper remembered his angry estrangement from a brother or sister, jumped up, rushed out of the Temple, and made the three-day return trip to Galilee to make things right.  Then, the worshiper returned to Jerusalem and dedicated his offering to God.  It’s a powerful statement of the fact that we cannot love God without loving our neighbor.

To further emphasize his point, Jesus next described neighbors embroiled in a lawsuit. Their refusal to settle on the way to court and make things right, even when given ample opportunity, set them on a self-destructive path.  Harbored anger and antipathy become a prison.  Trapped within the walls of our rage, judgment, and alienation, we can idle away the years until we get over ourselves and make things right. Woe to us when we choose our wounded pride and angry outrage above reconciling with others—and reconciling with God.

Don’t get me—or Jesus—wrong.  Anger is part of how God has made us.  Anger has its time and place. Anger can motivate us to get out of a difficult or dangerous situation.  Anger can inspire us to change and grow.  Anger can prompt us to find a prophetic voice that speaks out against the sins of society, from gender oppression to racial hate to economic injustice.  Jesus got plenty mad. He denounced religious leaders who prized holiness over love and mercy. He decried the corruption of the Temple by turning over the moneychangers’ tables. But we also must acknowledge that anger can be an unholy and destructive force. Indeed, the frightened and vengeful anger of powerful opponents sent Jesus to the cross.

We all struggle with anger.  Some of us grew up in families where anger wasn’t expressed in healthy or constructive ways.  Anger meant that someone got hit or verbally abused or humiliated.  Anger meant the silent treatment and being made to feel like an outsider in our own home.  For others among us, we weren’t allowed to express anger.  It wasn’t ladylike or it might hurt someone’s feelings, or it wasn’t nice.  We don’t know what to do with anger—so it explodes in hurtful ways or gets swallowed in fear and shame.  Learning to manage our anger may put us face to face with old feelings of hurt, vulnerability, and powerlessness. We may find it easier to disconnect and walk away than to work things through. Unresolved anger can have painful consequences; our lives can be littered with broken relationships and hurting hearts.

But Jesus holds out hope that his disciples can do better.  We can make different choices with our anger.  We can find healing.  We find the wherewithal to manage our anger when we consider the reconciling work of Jesus.  If the cross teaches us anything, it is that God would sooner face death than be alienated and separated from us.  The resurrection overcomes the world’s violence and anger.  Think about it. On Easter evening, the risen Lord sought out the disciples who had betrayed, denied, and abandoned him. Jesus came to them not with anger or harsh recrimination, but with love.  His first word to them was “Peace.”  And he sent them forth not to punish or enact retributive violence on those who had condemned him to death and prosecuted his execution, but to forgive and to love. Our efforts to move past anger find inspiration and possibility when we remember the Lord’s example and we trust that he is with us, calling us always to the work of reconciliation.

We can begin to change our relationship with anger and heal the angry hurts that trouble us by simply paying attention.  Sometimes we walk around with an angry chip on our shoulder, taking our feelings out on the world around us.  Take time to notice what you are feeling and what has prompted those feelings to stir within you.  Keeping a daily journal can help you grow in your ability to notice and reflect, and so can having a close conversation partner with whom you can share, whether it is a friend or a spouse.  As we become more aware of what we are feeling and how it shapes our actions, we find the emotional space to make different choices instead of allowing our anger to drive the bus.

Despite our best intentions, there will be times when we find ourselves in the middle of an encounter that gets our blood boiling.  Our spouse will forget our birthday.  A teacher may hurt our child’s feelings.  Our best effort in the workplace will get scrubbed by the boss.  Take a deep breath and remember the simple wisdom of counting to ten.  That moment of reflective awareness grants us control over our breath and our body— and can help to deescalate the tension.  If we find we are still itching for a fight or inclined to say things we will surely regret, we can take a step back.  It can be as simple as saying, “I’m really angry right now.  Let’s take a beat and come back together when we can have a productive conversation.”  Then, follow through on that—sooner rather than later.  The Apostle Paul advised that we shouldn’t let the sun go down on our anger.  Work it through and move on.

What about those old angers and hurts that we all harbor, the broken relationships, the estranged siblings, the lost friends?  Is it too late to make a fresh start?  Jesus was the master of second chances.  He might remind us that we have nothing to lose, other than our anger, sadness, and grief.  Pray about it and see how the Lord may be leading you to make amends or build a bridge.  Pick up the phone and make contact.  Have a heart to heart over a cup of coffee. Send an email or reach out through social media. It can be as simple as saying, “I miss you. I regret the hard words and the hurt feelings. Let’s try again.” If we feel truly trapped and overwhelmed by our anger, we may need the support of a trusted counselor or pastor. We don’t have to face it alone.

I suspect that as we learn to manage our anger, we’ll feel better.  We’ll be a lot less likely to kill someone.  Our relationships will be healthier and find a new sense of strength and intimacy that forges a lasting bond.  We’ll be closer to others, even as we are closer to God. May it be so.

Resources

Amy Oden. “Commentary on Matthew 5:21-36” in Preaching This Week, Feb. 13, 2011. Accessed online at workingpreacher.org.

Karoline Lewis. “Commentary on Matthew 5:21-36” in Preaching This Week, Feb. 12, 2017. Accessed online at workingpreacher.org.

Carla Works. “Commentary on Matthew 5:21-36” in Preaching This Week, Feb. 16, 2014. Accessed online at workingpreacher.org.

Eric Barreto. “Commentary on Matthew 5:21-36” in Preaching This Week, Feb. 16, 2020. Accessed online at workingpreacher.org.

Melanie Howard. “Commentary on Matthew 5:21-36” in Preaching This Week, Feb. 12, 2023. Accessed online at workingpreacher.org.

Matthew 5:21-26

21 “You have heard that it was said to those of ancient times, ‘You shall not murder,’ and ‘whoever murders shall be liable to judgment.’ 22 But I say to you that if you are angry with a brother or sister, you will be liable to judgment, and if you insult a brother or sister, you will be liable to the council, and if you say, ‘You fool,’ you will be liable to the hell of fire. 23 So when you are offering your gift at the altar, if you remember that your brother or sister has something against you, 24 leave your gift there before the altar and go; first be reconciled to your brother or sister, and then come and offer your gift. 25 Come to terms quickly with your accuser while you are on the way to court with him, or your accuser may hand you over to the judge and the judge to the guard, and you will be thrown into prison. 26 Truly I tell you, you will never get out until you have paid the last penny.